My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
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Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
smh
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.