Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
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I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
be careful
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.