If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
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Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?