When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
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Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
That earthquake could have been an email.
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!