A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
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I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
Stop making fast and furious movies.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.