The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
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A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!