The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
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*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
Basketball games are very squeaky.
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.