I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
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Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
can’t talk my ride’s here
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*