there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
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pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Always
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.