“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
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Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
🌱🌱🌱
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”