Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
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Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.