Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
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Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
Many hands make light work
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
If only
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
Room with a view.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.