ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
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Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot