If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
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If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.