Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
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Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
How do you like your Corgi?
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.