What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
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I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
それは草
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.