my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
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Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.