Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
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My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary