Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
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I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.