me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
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is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”