ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked![]()
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How funny!
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
A duv-egg? In this economy?
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I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
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I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
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My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook