Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
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Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.