me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
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When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.