Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
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Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.