sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
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I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.