[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
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My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
the three genders
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back