My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
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Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
What?!?
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
*pronounces UPS like yoops
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work