Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
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I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?