Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
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8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player