If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
You Might Also Like
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
Follow me for more parenting hacks.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.