Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
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me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
A friend helps you before you need it
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.