when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
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Does anything good ever escape from a lab
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.