The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
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Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
My Guy
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.