He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
You Might Also Like
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.