KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
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Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me