I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
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Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
The Friday File.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.