Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
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Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
The Onion called it…again.
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
North and South
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.