7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
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Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
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My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything