I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
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ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan