Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
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Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
Tony Hawk, age 6
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings