me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
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No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.