Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
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When they try to steal your moment.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd