Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
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adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.