*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
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“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?