I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
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Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉