my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
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JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
“Great, now I have to pee.”
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?