When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
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*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
Just ordered me some pizza!
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.