me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
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“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
#math
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.