Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
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I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything