And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
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Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Insecurity guard……….
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
I’m calling the cops.
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.